Thursday, 14 November 2013

Unicorn Droppins! AW November Blog Chain.

This month the AW blog chain prompt was Unicorn Droppings. So I give you my very hastily (you can thank NaNoWriMo for the haste) slapped together little project. There is a list at the bottom of this post of the others participating in this blog chain - be sure to check out their take on this month's magical prompt.

**Language Warning**

Unicorn Droppings. Yeah, ok. I'll just nip out and pick some up at the nearest apothecary shall I? This is a joke. Surely. Yet here I am, stumbling between scrubs and avoiding killer ants in this shithole of a forest trying to find Unicorn Droppings for my mage. I'd always been told that Mage Ivan was a hard mage. Great at his work but a real prick to his apprentices. I'd simply considered myself tough enough to handle any bullshit that he'd put me through, but now as his apprentice, spending days camping out looking for something I'm sure doesn't exist, I'm starting to regret applying to study under the old man.

Three days. It's three days I've been out here. When he told me what I was after I asked if it was a plant of some kind. Nope. Actual unicorn shit is what I'm after. Ok then. He packed me up and told me to head on down to the forest by the hills to find some unicorn shit. Ok. The first day I spent blundering around looking for poop that looked like rainbow ice-cream. Since then I've simply taken to stumbling around in caves and other places that I imagine a horse would like to go, why not a unicorn eh? I've given up for the morning. The clearing I'm having lunch in is quite pleasant, and if not for the futility of the task that lay ahead of me I would be enjoying the scenery. God only knows when he expects me to return empty handed. I'll give it a couple more days though, just to show the old joker that I can play at his game too - he'll be the one without an assistant for almost a week.

On the far side of the clearing, some leaves shake. Probably a small rabbit or something. It's not unusual for them to be scurrying about in the undergrowth at this time of day. I consider catching it for my dinner that night but I shake off the thought, there'll be more rabbits and right now I can't be bothered. That's when I hear a - what was it? A whinny? Surely there wasn't a pony in the bush. If there was it would be awfully rare for me to stumble across one now - the poachers that hunted and sold them to the towns would have beaten me to it.

Then I see it. It steps out toward me from the other side of the clearing. A stunning white beast with a mane so fine it shines like the hope in the heart of a teenage girl, the tail so long it brushes against the ground. I sit there stunned as the creature looks at me. Then in a matter of moments it's gone, but not before it's turned on it's heel and deposited a load of fresh dung before me. Well fuck me. Unicorn's really do shit glitter.

A bit shorter this time, god only knows where this came from, out of the ass of the unicorn I imagine.

Fellow AW bloggers monthly prompt links below;
ishtar'sgate - (link to post)
orion_mk3 - (link to post)
sweetwheat - (link to post)
skunkmelons - (link to post)
BBBurke - (link to post)
Sudo_One - (link to post)

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Lions, Tigers & Bears - Oh My!

Hello followers *echoes* oh there's still a few of you here? Thank goodness for you kind, patient souls. So in returning from my year long hiatus (more on that later), I start with a post for the October prompt from Absolute Write. This month's prompt is 'Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Oh My!' Thank you for your patience and I hope to stick around in the blogging world. Posts will be less frequent than they were in the past, but hopefully of a better quality. I've missed you all!

Disclaimer: I actually love children, it was really interesting writing from this perspective.

"ROOOAAAR!" Jamie yelled, throwing his stuffed Simba at my face. I managed to block it, sending Simba flying to the floor, one glassy eye looking up at me reproachfully.

"We don't throw toys Jamie," I warned.

Fucking kids. God only knows how I ended up in this shitty line of work. The money was crap and I spent too many hours a day cleaning up shit, piss and spew. I didn't even like kids. So how did I end up here? Ah yes, of course, it was the money. Jobs were hard to find and a friend of a friend that owed a friend a favour found this job for me. Lucky me.

Jamie picked up Simba and - totally ignoring me, what a surprise - threw it at Erica, who was happily playing with Big Ted. Luckily Jamie's aim was off and Simba sent Big Ted sprawling instead of the pigtailed 3 year old. Still, it was enough to set Erica off, who began wailing. Jamie was pleased with himself and retrieved Simba, and returned to the toy corner - clearly he had reached his desired outcome.

"Come on Erica, let me pick up Big Ted & we'll have some tea shall we?" I said, going over to her. I propped Big Ted back up and started pouring a cup of pretend tea for all three of us. I sat there, pretending to drink tea and squeezing out a strained smile whenever Erica looked at me, until she forgot all about Simba. I remember thinking about how much easier it would be to fake happiness if my pink teacup was filled with whiskey rather than pretend tea.

"Mrs Fleckle," came a small voice. I looked behind me - it was Danny. I gave up trying to get them to call me 'miss' Fleckle. Not that it mattered, it's not like I was going to find the ever elusive 'Mr. Right' at this joint.

"Yes Danny?" He was wearing a tigers jersey. I never understood why parents dress their kids in team jerseys when they were too young to know how to play the game, let alone support it. I suppose I never really understood parents in general. Who would want little expensive food-to-shit converters in their life? I suppose some people had to.

"I accidentally-" he didn't need to finish. I saw the wet patch growing in his shorts and the stream of piss running down his leg, wetting his sock.

"Come on hun," I said, offering my hand, "let's go get you a change of clothes." I forced out another smile, and he took my hand. I was leading him over to the change room when Sally, the ever cheery and way-too-happy-to-not-be-on-drugs coworker, stopped me.

"Oh, you're just so good with the children!" she piped, before heading back to the baby room. I rolled my eyes as she left. I wouldn't really do too well if I said what I really thought would I? Dumb bitch. I guess I do a pretty good job of hiding my contempt.

I cleaned Danny up and sent him on his way, putting his wet clothes in a plastic bag to send home. We stopped doing washing when kids soiled themselves as the parents took this liberty to 'accidentally' send in soiled clothes as the spare change. Seriously, are some parents so fucked up they not only spend 10 hours a day at work and dump their kid here, that they can't even do their own washing as well. It was only a couple, but still. God, get your life together.

This was going to be a long day, I needed another cup of coffee.

This was just a short piece purely to experiment with a sarcastic (and slightly hateful?) voice of the narrator. If you'd like to leave feedback for any reason, feel free to be as harsh as you'd like. I like to think I'm pretty tough ;)

Be sure to head along to the blogs below that have all done (or will do) their own version of this prompt this month;
orion_mk3 - (link to post)
Ralph Pines - (link to post)
ishtar'sgate - (link to post)
skunkmelon - (link to post)
pyrosama - (link to post)
julzperri - (link to post)
dclary - (link to post)
BBBurke - (link to post)
Sweetwheat - (link to post) *to come*
MsLaylaCakes - (link to post) *to come*
Angyl78 - (link to post) *to come*