One of life’s toughest lessons we learn is that friends aren’t always forever. It’s a hard thing to lose a friend, but really, it’s inevitable that we lose one here or there on our journey through life. Friends can be lost for many reasons, we drift apart, move away and lose contact. Sometimes we grow too different to enjoy ourselves together anymore. The ultimate reason of my lost friendship was a betrayal of trust, on my part, but the friendship was doomed anyway.
The day of the confrontation we exchanged heated text messages. I had told a secret. A secret that was not really mine to tell, however I thought I was doing the right thing, and thus ended a friendship I once had treasured above all. I still look back fondly at the times we shared, but now we’re two different people, worse than strangers in the wake of my betrayal. When I received the text, my breath caught in my throat, my stomach dropped and my eyes filled with tears. I knew that I had ruined the friendship beyond repair. It was an absolute, no negotiations could be made. It was a request to cease all contact.
I curled in a ball on the couch and cried until I couldn’t cry any more. I hated who I was and what I’d done, but a small part of me, tugging at the back of my brain, knew that I would do it again. I’d do it differently, but I’d do it again. I was alone in a cold 100 year old house I’d once shared with this beautiful friend of mine. Lover was over 3000km away and I was alone in the dark, cold, stone house with no escape from my self-loathing and pity. I didn’t beg forgiveness in my following texts. I was stubborn, rude and immature. I’m loathe to even mention it, I detest my actions and how I handled it, but hindsight is 20/20.
It was almost poetic. It was that morning, when I was most alone, in the darkest, loneliest place I’ve ever had to call home, the worst possible moment to receive that message. The words that cut off the one friend I treasured most. I suppose I had it coming. If any moment of my life was planned and timed perfectly this was it. The action, the mood, the event, mirrored my environment so superbly that I couldn’t have designed such a moment better myself.
I still hear of the beautiful woman and her adventures. I hear about her life, her new, better friends that she has more fun with. While a small slice of my heart longs to rekindle what we had and go back to those fun times we spent together, my head reminds me that we want different things in life now, and that it was inevitable that we grow apart. We had beautiful days spent together, cradling each other when upset and rejoicing together over boys and pay rises, but that time is over.
Feel free to critique - you know I love a good ear bashing. Have you ever lost a close friend? Was it your fault or theirs? Does it hurt to remember better times you shared with them?