Wednesday, 21 March 2012

A Lesson in Life

So I was stalking Facebook the other day and happened across the profile of a girl that I use to be incredibly close with - who I use to be the closest with. It inspired me to write about how I'd ruined that friendship and how life can throw you a curve ball, and what happens when you mishandle it. I tried to write as honestly as I could (inspired by the writing of the lovely Helen Garner), and after some great critiquing by my lovely fellows on AW I have posted the revised version below. Beware it's a bit of a downer, but it was a huge learning piece for me.


One of life’s toughest lessons we learn is that friends aren’t always forever. It’s a hard thing to lose a friend, but really, it’s inevitable that we lose one here or there on our journey through life. Friends can be lost for many reasons, we drift apart, move away and lose contact. Sometimes we grow too different to enjoy ourselves together anymore. The ultimate reason of my lost friendship was a betrayal of trust, on my part, but the friendship was doomed anyway.

The day of the confrontation we exchanged heated text messages. I had told a secret. A secret that was not really mine to tell, however I thought I was doing the right thing, and thus ended a friendship I once had treasured above all. I still look back fondly at the times we shared, but now we’re two different people, worse than strangers in the wake of my betrayal. When I received the text, my breath caught in my throat, my stomach dropped and my eyes filled with tears. I knew that I had ruined the friendship beyond repair. It was an absolute, no negotiations could be made. It was a request to cease all contact.

I curled in a ball on the couch and cried until I couldn’t cry any more. I hated who I was and what I’d done, but a small part of me, tugging at the back of my brain, knew that I would do it again. I’d do it differently, but I’d do it again. I was alone in a cold 100 year old house I’d once shared with this beautiful friend of mine. Lover was over 3000km away and I was alone in the dark, cold, stone house with no escape from my self-loathing and pity. I didn’t beg forgiveness in my following texts. I was stubborn, rude and immature. I’m loathe to even mention it, I detest my actions and how I handled it, but hindsight is 20/20.

It was almost poetic. It was that morning, when I was most alone, in the darkest, loneliest place I’ve ever had to call home, the worst possible moment to receive that message. The words that cut off the one friend I treasured most. I suppose I had it coming. If any moment of my life was planned and timed perfectly this was it. The action, the mood, the event, mirrored my environment so superbly that I couldn’t have designed such a moment better myself.

I still hear of the beautiful woman and her adventures. I hear about her life, her new, better friends that she has more fun with. While a small slice of my heart longs to rekindle what we had and go back to those fun times we spent together, my head reminds me that we want different things in life now, and that it was inevitable that we grow apart. We had beautiful days spent together, cradling each other when upset and rejoicing together over boys and pay rises, but that time is over.

Feel free to critique - you know I love a good ear bashing. Have you ever lost a close friend? Was it your fault or theirs? Does it hurt to remember better times you shared with them?



2 comments:

  1. I understand the sadness when you look back, but we all grow up (growing pains). We've all done things and behaved in ways we'd rather forget. It's great that you can look back and learn from your mistakes.

    I've lost friends because I tend to drift away from clinging negativity and I'm not one to keep secrets. I don't have many close friends for that reason, it's by choice. The minute someone says to me, "promise me you won't say anything, but...."

    HOLD ON MISSY! I'll say it up front, "Don't put that burden on me. I won't remember that I promised anything." :)

    I never say things that might hurt another, but I'm me, and so I don't know what your expectations are, I only know mine. I never say to another what I wouldn't say to the world. That's my motto. I keep no secrets, I have no friends, just acquaintances.

    Great post, Julz!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah this story was a black spot in my past that I just liked to ignore. Once I opened myself upto it (lots of tears involved) I felt I could accept my mistakes and move on from them.I really felt better after I'd been to the dark place that was my past :p

      I like your outlook Diane, and I really admire you for it - knowing who you are, what your limits are and where you stand is fantastic :)

      Thanks :)

      Delete